Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
