i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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