just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
