i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
