i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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