I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
