I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
