I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
