i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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