I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
