quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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