I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
