I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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