i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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