3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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