3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
