I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize