Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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