Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
