I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
