just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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