if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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