I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
