she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
