im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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