Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
