I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
