While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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