he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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