my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
