why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
