Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
