I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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