I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
