Whod you bang
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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