He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
