why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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