last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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