rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
