I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How does it feel to date your dad?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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