i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
