This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
