dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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