There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
