i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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