I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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