He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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