i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
