It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
