just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
