i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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