Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
