3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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