I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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