My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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