Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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