My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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