dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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