I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
