I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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