i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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