I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When are your genitals available?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
